Dear Baby Arjun,

This is your aunt, Gitika. She used to be a blog addict (ask your parents, who heard her typing away in their kitchen at 4.30 in the morning, on the assumption that nobody could hear her if she hid in the kitchen). Well, she is not a blog addict anymore. Today she returned to her blog to find other people of her generation write wistful cynical entries, quite similar to her own, entries that wondered when we became so jaded and so angry with the world. Baby Arjun, I am writing to you today to tell you that we were not always like this and we will not always be.

When I saw you yesterday, in your week-old oldness, your long fingers and sweetest nose, I was struck by how full of promise little babies are. Every passing day, will teach you something new and while you are not yet conscious of it all, your mom and dad will record it for you so you will always have witnesses. When you are old enough, you can be the witness yourself. I am so excited for you and so excited for all that I will get to experience now that I have a nephew like you. Your dad says he is excited about lying next to you on lazy days and banding together, a team of two against the world. I am excited for that. Your mom notices you deep in thought, with a little finger on your chin. I am excited to know if this will mean anything. I am curious about what kind of an Indian-American child you will make - will you understand your Indian immigrant parents with their love for the U.S. and a constant longing for India?

I wonder about what kind of an aunt I will make to you, baby Arjun? I like to think about that, it makes me realize there are still parts of me that are not jaded and cynical - there are parts full of hope and they gather hope/joy from seeing someone like you. I am wondering right now, what kind of aunt I will make to you. Will I be the one you can come to with secrets? Or will I be the one who gives you career advice? (Avoid graduate schools that require longer than a two-year commitment at a time, being the first piece of advice?) Or will I be the aunt who bakes you bread and cake, and hopes you will figure out the answers over a cup of tea where nobody speaks?

I don't know what type of aunt I will be, baby Arjun. But I do know that after the type of day I have had today, I want to be the aunt who says the things I most want to hear right now - keep the faith when nothing makes sense. Make poetry when there is chaos. Breathe, especially when there isn't time to. Also, be accepting of the fact that there are things you will suck at and other things that you will rule at, but let nobody else decide what those things are. Be humble yet assertive when you speak your truth. 

And when nothing seems to work in making you feel good about yourself, create a blog and write a letter to the youngest person you know, because you can always feel great just knowing that your ridiculous day makes for a great lesson for someone somewhere.

Lots of love,

Gitika Masi

There has been a lifetime between the last time I was here and today. So much has happened and so much hasn't.

Driving home today, with sunflower flax seed bread in hand (the hand that was not on the steering wheel), I thought of someone who told me that sunflower seeds are 'happy seeds'. They enhance serotonin effects and overall lead to a sense of wellbeing. I could sense the usefulness of aforementioned seed and at the next red light unwrapped me a slice. One chomp later, I realized I was waiting for the seeds to work their magic. The light turned green and I told the seeds that I needed them to work, just this once. Because I was just one regret, one bitter feeling and one nostalgic memory away from completely breaking down.

I came home a few hours ago and realized it had been many moments of despair ago that I had hoped for sunflower flax seed bread to rescue me. The desperate desire to be unbroken had passed and sunflower bread was once again just bread, not my knight in shining armor.

It happens sometimes, no? That bread ends up being just bread, people end up being just people, life ends up being just life. Not a meaning more, not a meaning less.